Just Another Timetravel Story
by KivatheDCWizard
Summary: The world has gone to hell and Harry, Hermione and Luna go back in time to set things straigth. You know, just another time travel story. Lunar Harmony. Lots of bashing. Comedy centric, with some fluff.
1. Chapter 1

JUST ANOTHER TIME TRAVEL STORY: A HARRY POTTER FANFIC

CHAPTER 1: THREESOMES AND TIME TRAVEL

You'd think that with the death of Voldemort, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka the Dark Wanker, aka He-Who-Botched-Up-His-Nosejob, that everything would be peachy again the Wizarding World. Well that was naive to think. Certainly since the government was still full of bigots whom could easily be bribed by Death Eaters AGAIN and are willing to forgive the 'noble purebloods whom were misguided by a lying halfblood with delusions of grandeur'. Those idiots had rolled over when Voldemort had taken over and did nothing, after all the Ministry under Voldemort only went after those of impure blood or creatures.

Harry Potter had the choice, after his defeat to support the ministry and seen as a hero or be arrested for being a halfblood criminal whom has killed several respected purebloods. Harry said they could shove their entire policy where the sun doesn't shine. They tried to steal his properties and fortune, but Harry had been too quick and transferred his money and riches where the purebloods would never look: a muggle bank. And he intended to hide in the Muggle World as those proud purebloods would never look for him there as it was beneath him, no matter how much it would make sense to look there (most wizards aren't very good at the logic thing).

Since the government and wizard society in Britain haven't improved after several Wizarding wars it was still a breeding ground for little shits whom become even bigger shits of Dark Lords. With Voldemort gone and weaseling themselves out of Azkaban AGAIN, they not only took control of the government by preventing a decent chap like Shacklebolt from becoming Minister but also declare open season on the Muggles. That was a big mistake.

Wizards are not only outnumbered, most of them were also ignorant of the Muggle world and the process they made in the past few centuries, which includes in weapon development. A war broke out between the Wizarding world and the Muggle world, unable to be contained by Obliviators, and spilling in other countries around the world. Most of humanity, magical or not, was wiped out. Very few were left.

Harry Potter was still alive. In the new World War, he was forced to fight for his survival. The Muggles saw him as an enemy because he was a wizard. The wizards saw him as an enemy because he refused to fight for them, even when Harry had plenty of reason to refuse those bigoted, arrogant sheep. Most other nations saw him as a bounty so they can get rich a famous, including the Goblins. Little shits they are, if Griphook's conduct during the war was anything to go by.

Many of his friends and acquiantances were dead, or as good as dead. Some were blackmailed, threatened or brainwashed into fighting in the war. Some willingly went along with it, having learnt nothing despite the DA Harry and his friends had set up. Including Ron, whom was basking in so much of the fame and glory from being one of the former Golden Trio that he didn't realize the Ministry exploited him, making him a poster boy for their pureblood propaganda. Or he didn't care, who knows? Harry had stopped speaking to him as he regressed back into an arse because of it. Harry thought that he had learned, but if there is one thing that Ron was never good at, it was learning.

Now about ninety-nine point nine percent of all humans were gone. Harry knew there are still others out there but they are so thinly spread and in hiding, just like he. He had rediscovered Potter Manor with the help of Hermione during the Horcrux hunt when Ron had already left (and they didn't tell him afterwards because they were still cross with him). He had put it under so many wards Merlin himself couldn't find it. He had help with that, of course.

The help in question were now his two favorite bedwarmers. They are much more then that, they were his soulmates, his life mates, his closest friends, the only ones alive whom would never turn on him. Hermione Granger, smartest witch her age. And Luna Lovegood, whom may not always have her head in the right spot, but her heart is...Yes, they are in a three way relationship. It was war, the three cared for each other a lot, and they needed some comfort, and the three couldn't love one over the other.

Harry wondered what he did do to deserve these two wonderful ladies. Both are smart in their own way, kind, intelligent, caring, always ready to cheer him up. And both are demons in the bed. He didn't expect the bookworm Hermione to be such a vixen and Luna...well, whom could anticipate her? He wished he had been less of a berk to them in the past, with his upbringing making him emotionally stunted and naive, not to mention he wasn't always surrounded by good examples. Ron was a bad influence in that regard, always roping Harry in his own grudges against Hermione. Though the ladies knew how emotionally stunted he was and understood and forgave him, even when he didn't feel he deserved it.

They gave him the love and comfort he needed. Thanks to their support he was finally able to show his intelligent, while not stupid, he often hid it or held back due to the Dursleys not liking him being smarter then Dudley, and Ron wouldn't tolerate it, as he could barely stand Hermione being smarter. But Hermione and Luna not only encouraged his intelligent side, they rewarded him for doing well...with some snogs, some sexy cosplay and some great shags. Those were some good motivators...some really good motivators...some really, really good...yeah, you get the idea.

The three of them had, due to a life of war, been studying a lot of magic. Not just the magic everyone has to learn, but all aspects of magic, light, dark, gray, anything to give them an edge. The Ministry has censored a lot of the classes at school as a way to keep control, but they couldn't do anything to the private library of Potter Manor, which contained so much more useful stuff. In the end, the three were honed magical battle gods. Probably the most knowledgeable, the most powerful and most horniest (Luna had added that part) magical trio ever. Even when the war was over due to basically everyone being dead, they kept practicing and studying. Because there was nothing much left to do.

Harry woke up after a good night's sleep. Despite all the horrors in his life, when he safely had his lovers in his arms, he felt nothing could take him down. They had made wonderful three-way love last night...in fact every night, with a few quickies during the day. Due to scars and wounds suffered from the war none of the two could unfortunately bear children. Their physical activities of intimacy was now solely for the comfort it gave the three of them. But the ones whom did that to Hermione and Luna in the first place suffered slow and painful deaths.

It was the dawn of a new day and the three slowly woke up. "Good morning gorgeous. Good morning, gorgeous." Harry said respectively to Hermione and Harry.

"Good morning, sweet cheeks. Good morning Moonbeam." Hermione said to Harry and Luna respectively.

"Pudding." Luna said. She often said weird stuff or made of the wall comments in the morning. Harry wondered if this one was as a result of the new stance they tried, Luna really liked that one. Odd thing was there was no pudding involved whatsoever.

"What are the plans for today?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Aside from more coitus, I want to investigate the new rune cluster I've been working on, to see if it is able to stabilize our new project." Hermione noted.

"Pudding." Luna repeated.

"Well, it wasn't the quartz or the necklace, so next best thing to check is the runes. I really hope we can eventually pull this off." Harry noted.

"We will. It is just something that hasn't been done before, and even if it was, how would you know it has worked?" Hermione pointed out.

"Pudding." Luna added.

"But first some breakfast. I'm making pancakes." Harry said as he got up. Hermione followed right after, but Luna fell out the bed, flat on her face.

"Luna, you ok?" Hermione asked.

"Pudding!" Luna moaned.

After Luna got her head straigthened out...as far as that was possible with her, Harry baked some pancakes, and after eating they had a quickie, and went back to their project. They each had their specialities. Hermione had an eiditic memory when it came to learning and reading. She had all the knowledge in her head. She know what everything was and what they did. Luna had a unique viewpoint, and she was able to sense or see things others couldn't. It was really helpful. Hermione, while not malicious, had in the past berated Luna for her oddities, something she felt ashamed of. Luna was chill with it and was glad Hermione acknowledged her flaws and opened her mind a little. And her legs if she asked to. It took a lot to harsh Luna's mellow.

Harry was more of the practical guy, while smart, he was not as much the knowledge type like Luna or Hermione, but in terms of skill and power he was the best at the practical aspects of magic. So in short, Hermione worked out the plan, Luna helped iron out the kinks and add in some fun extra's, while Harry was the one best to carry it out. The three were now bent over a few plans, while in the background, a huge stone gate was erected...with a time turner locked in the arch on top of the thing.

"So when we put the limiter there...but remove another one here..." Hermione muttered.

"That would work. But the question is, how do we prevent the paradoxes of our younger selves seeing us?" Harry asked.

"Oh, didn't we mention that part? We are not sending our physical selves back, we send our minds back into our younger bodies." Luna added.

"That is possible?" Harry asked.

"In theory. It would be the best. I mean whom is going to suspect a couple of kids being able to do the things we are planning?" Hermione noted.

"I won't like being a scrawny kid again and in the care of some 'loving' relatives. But it's a small price to pay to fix everything. So many lives will be saved..." Harry noted.

"It is not like we'll be able to make it any worse. We still have to practice caution, but that doesn't mean we should let innocent people get screwed over." Hermione added.

"I am going to miss having sex." Luna said, pouting.

"How far back can you take us?" Harry asked.

"If I can really push it...back to when you were eight...young enough to prepare for what we can do at Hogwarts, but not so early we're helpless." Hermione stated.

"You mean...I can save my mother?" Luna asked, dropping her airy facade, sounding more sad serious then ever before.

"My parents for sure..." Hermione stammered, her parents being victims of the war before she could have the memory charms put on them reversed. "I don't know the precise date we'll come back but the chances you can save your mother are high. Harry, there was no way we could go back far enough to save your parents."

"I know. Even if possible, I was an infant, my magical core wouldn't have been stable or developed enough for the magic I could have used otherwise. They gave their lives so I could live. And with this second chance at live, I really am going to live." Harry said. The three exchanged a group hug to get their nerves to calm down.

"Now, we have our knowledge, we have our skills...we know our targets and we'll cripple them so they aren't threatening the future of this world." Hermione noted.

"And have a bit of fun doing it." Harry said. Harry has developed a new motto during the war: 'It is not sadism if they deserve the hurt.'

"While there are some mad dogs whom need to be put down, there are some we are not clear about. Dumbledore is a Leader for the Light, but his actions have been...questionable." Luna noted.

"The guy may be an idiot, but he's not malicious. Though he has his head so far up his own arse he can see through his mouth. He has made mistakes and refuses to acknowledge when he's wrong. Nothing wrong with seeing the best in people, but you give second chances and no more. No matter how much chances he gave his enemies, they kept botching every chance they got and Dumbles kept giving them. We are not going to destroy him, but we can perhaps entice him to retire and let the pros handle it." Harry said.

"What about Snape?" Hermione asked. She was long done blindly obeying authority figures because of the sheer incompetence and malice from some teachers and Ministry workers.

"The guy is an arse, no questions asked. A bully, whom still holds a grudge for a man whom is dead for decades, certainly petty. But he did seek out the demise of the Dark Lord. It doesn't cancel out everything he did, but he was still on our side...sort off. I don't want to kill or destroy him, but we could convince him to behave." Harry said with a sly grin.

"Draco Malfoy goes down, no questions asked." Hermione noted. The little bastard and his family started the world war in the first place. He went against the Dark Lord, but that was to save their own collective arses, as unlike Snape whom at least loved Lily, the Malfoys could never love anyone but themselves.

"Certainly not, but I won't do it quick and painless this time." Harry said. "As for Ron...he isn't a bad guy, but he has been a liability due to his pettiness, laziness and general idiocy. So no Golden Trio? At least not one where he is part of?"

"Can I torment him a little? He started the nickname 'Loony Lovegood' and flapped it out to my Housemates at the time. That and he hurt you. I am not going to kill him, but maybe we can convince him to get his act together or stay out of our way." Luna suggested. The grin she had on her face would have them almost feel sorry for Ron.

"Ok, maybe a little." Harry agreed quickly. "Now, since we are about done with the runes, how fast can we incorperate them?"

"Takes a few days, two to three, four or five at most." Hermione said. "The one thing I'm most worried about for is us. No question we all love each other. But will they allow us to be married? Will anyone accept?"

"I am not giving you up. We will find a solution for that, as much as we'll find a solutions to the Dork Lord and his Dick Munchers." Harry noted.

"Yeah, we're all in this together, forever." Luna said.

Hermione nodded in agreement. "You are right. Nothing will get in our way...this has to work...Let's get started!" Hermione said as she took her rune grafting tools.

Three and a half days of hard work and in-between shags, the trio had completed their portal to the past. The runes glowed with light blue power, the Time Turner at the top was spinning wildly. Something akin to the veil, but lighter and less ominous, pulsed in the stone arch.

"Well, this is it. Now we all go through." Hermione said. Though she was sure her she did her math right, part of her remained unsure. Harry and Luna grabbed her hands to calm her down.

"Nothing will be able to seperate us, never forget that." Harry said.

"It's now or never...there is nothing to go back to in the present." Luna said. "Only thing to go now is in the past."

The three locked hands firmly. "On three...One..." Hermione started.

"Two..." Harry added.

"Two and a half..." Luna continued.

"THREE!" the three said simultaneously, and jumped through the portal.

The Veil of Time in the portal didn't budge, as if nothing happened, but the Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood were gone from this timeline. The portal then soon imploded onto itself and the world faded out to white, as that timeline no longer existed.

Harry Potter woke up with a jerk as he bumped his head on the ceiling. He was in a small confined, dark space as he rubbed his head. "I'm back under the bloody cupboard." Harry said with a defeated sigh. He was glad that Hermione's experiment worked and he was back in time. He could have expected to be back here but he didn't have to like it. But the chance to do things over, saving a lot of people was too good to pass on.

Harry waved his hand and with a little wandless magic unlocked his cupboard. While there is a Trace, it is put on the children only when they first entered Hogwarts when entering the Hogwarts Express. Explains how Hermione could practice all those spells without reprecussions before her first year at Hogwarts. And wandless magic without a Trace is even harder to track, only a powerful magical outburst could be tracked without a Trace after all.

First thing Harry did was checking out was the time, it was about four o'clock in the morning. It's early, so his lazy relatives won't be around for a while yet. He remembered how in the future the Dursleys became witch hunters and had no qualms as selling bullshit stories to the government about him that caused him to be the most wanted wizard in the world. They were way due for some payback. But first he'll fix himself a sandwich. He was starving, again courtesy of his relatives. He'll make sure the Dursleys get what they deserved, and the grin he was sporting reminding himself of that would have put the Grinch to shame and scare the poor thing too.

Hermione woke up with a jerk too, in her old bedroom in her house in Crawley...man, did she have that much pink in her room as a girl? It was way overdue for a remodeling. She checked herself in the mirror. Damn, her hair was bushy again and she had once again her bucktooth. Harry never minded them but Hermione always disliked them. Her hair got better over time and Madam Pomfrey had done wonders for her teeth...So she remained hopeful it could be remedied this time too.

But she suddenly remembered something more dire...her parents were alive. She quickly walked down the corridor, as she saw a light coming from downstairs. She quietly went down and saw her parents had both fallen asleep in front of the television. She smiled and she couldn't hold back her tears. She quickly snuck down, careful to not make any noise. She climbed onto the sofa, and snuggled in between them. The still sleeping parents shifted, unconsiously wrapping the little girl in their arms. Hermione allowed herself to drift away to dreamland again. While Harry and Luna were great snuggle buddies, it is still different from feeling her parents' embrace again.

Luna was the third to wake up with a jerk. However, her wake-up jerk was a bit more clumsy and she fell out of her bed. "Pudding!" she muttered. After the cobwebs in her head cleared she looked at her calender and her clock. The date...No...she still had to be on time! She quickly ran down the stairs, to the basement, where her mother's lab was. At the door, she listened in, to a musical voice she hadn't heard in so long: "Now just put in that rune...and that should do it."

Luna didn't hesitate. She barged in and shouted: "Mommy, don't do it!"

Pandora Lovegood then turned around. Her long platinum blonde hair waving and her kind baby blue eyes staring into her daughter's. "Luna, you shouldn't be in here. I am doing dangerous work." she said not angrily, but sounding worried and a bit stern.

"There is a fault in the runic configuration, if you try that spell now, it will blow up!" Luna warned her.

Pandora looked in her daughter's eyes and saw something there that wasn't there before. "You are my Luna, but not the Luna I put to bed yesterday evening." she realized. She quickly checked the runes. "You're right, there is a flaw, a deadly flaw in the runes...I almost don't believe it...maybe I shouldn't do these all-nighters again." Pandora put down her wand as she turned back to Luna. "I almost did something stupid, I almost left my daughter and husband alone...This is what you came back for, isn't it, Luna? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Pandora said as she realized what had happened.

Luna didn't feel an ounce of resentment for her mother. She only felt happiness that she would live. Luna tackled her mother in a hug, not bothering to hold back her tears. "I love you mummy..."

Pandora returned the hug. Her daughter would explain what needed to be explained later. For now she would enjoy having her daughter in her arms. "I love you too, moonbeam."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, here it is, the first chapter of my new Harry Potter story. At first it was part of my Potterbits (my plotbunny compliation) , but now it is becoming its own story. It won't be very long. The plan was a prologue chapter and one chapter per year up until year four. But the prologue will be in two chapters now as it become longer then expected. It may be possible each year is giong to split up as well.

Anyhow, most of the fic will be centered around comedy, but due to the reunions with relatives of course some touching family moments had to be in it as well.

Now, there will be character bashing. They are in two categories. The first category are irredeemable, like Voldemort and his Death eaters, Draco Malfoy and Dolores Umbridge. They will suffer and they will not live this fanfic through.

The second category are those whom will be bashed but I will not destroy them. Snape, Ron and Dumbledore. They have their good sides, but they made too much mistakes and have had to many dickish moments; For them the bashing is more like straightening them out instead of destroying them. The bashing won't be as bad but there will be.

But all around, this is going to be a comedy, I have some funny jokes in mind, I hope you'll find them funny enough too.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry just had gone back in time. Unlike with Hermione and Luna, whom could reconnect with loving parents in the past, Harry's relatives were the opposite of loving. Harry had grabbed a stone from the garden, and used some kitchen knives to carve runes into them. After carving the runes, Harry made a small cut on his finger with a steak knife to bound his blood to the runes on the stone, so that the stone copied his magical signature. It was necessary, Dumbledore had put him with the Dursleys and made sure he stayed there. With the runestone he could sneak out whenever he wanted without the old barmy coot meddling.

Dumbledore thought he did well by putting Harry in the same house as a blood relative for additional protection. But it didn't protect him from the ire of his aunt, uncle and cousin. The old man was either senile, stupid, outright evil or so convinced that he was right about it that he doesn't want to admit he is wrong and force him and his relatives in the same house until they learn to get along. Harry at times wondered if the old man forgot to take some sort of medicine.

At Hogwarts, Dumbledore had been given some meds by Madame Pomphrey. Tiny yellow pills, disgusting little things. He needed no vile tasting pills, and certainly not to keep his mind. He was Albus bloody Dumbledore, he was the greatest and smartest wizard in centuries, it would be impossible for something as old age to detoriate his mind. He still knew best. Look at how he handled Harry. He was with loving relatives, protected by the blood wards, and is able to grow up a normal kid. Genius.

Arabella Figg complained about him being bruised, short and thin for his age, and his relatives often being cross with him. That meant he must have inherited James' penchant for misschief, but must have been more clumsy about it. He probably was also a picky eater and late bloomer in terms of growth. Yeah, that had to be it. Mrs. Figg insisted he took a look himself, but it would be a waste of time. It is not like he could possibly be wrong. That is just silly. Now to throw away those stupid meds and replace them with similar-looking Lemon Drops. Yummy lemon drops.

Yeah, he was still brilliant. Nothing wrong at all. He then looked at his pet phoenix Fawkes and pondered. "Hey Fawkes, I really think you would look great in purple!" With that, the bird prompty flamed out.

So, Harry left the stone in his cupboard, after that he continued raiding the fridge. He went all out, putting anything he could find between slices of bread to make the best sandwiches. As he was finishing up his latest bite, he heard his relatives coming down the stairs. Great, it's showtime.

"Boy! What did you do with our good knives? And who gave you permission to eat a sandwich? Don't you know how much a drain on our money and food you are if left unattended, we barely get by as it is. And how did you get out of your cupboard?" Oh great, Uncle Vernon, aka the Walrus had woken up. On the other hand, the walrus was a noble and majestic creature, no fair to compare his uncle to it. So he called him the Walrus-like Blob. Yeah, that'd do.

"MAGIC!" Harry blurted out. Petunia turned pale, Dudley had a dumb look on his face (oh wait, that was how he always looked) and Vernon changed colors faster then a chameleon. Whoa, he had no idea a human face could turn into all of these colors. While it was amusing to see, Harry wasn't done. "You thought I wouldn't find out? You thought you could beat it out of me. I am going to explain things so that even your single braincells, whom are currently dying of loneliness, can comprehend it. I am magical, it is part of me and cannot be taken away, I was born that way. You condemn me for something I have no control over, like the madman whom killed my parents."

Vernon and Petunia didn't like being compared to a wizard, and certainly not to the Dark Lord of all people. "You are getting paid for my upkeep due to a fund my mother set up. It is not your money. You are in fact stealing from me because I don't see anything. It would be enough to feed us all, but you intend to starve me and turn Dudley to a baby whale...scratch that, baby whales are cute and don't deserve to be compared to him." Harry said as he put the last of his sandwich in his mouth.

"Also...my dad was of a Noble House in the Wizarding world. He was rich. So rich he wouldn't have to work a day in his life. And if you had treated me like a human being, I would have been willing to share. But you didn't. So you won't see a single penny of it. Ever!" Harry said. Harry had hoped his uncle would get a stroke or something...never worked in the old timeline, but it would be fun to try.

Vernon muttered incomprehensibly, turning purple. It was a special shade, undiscovered, so Harry has patented it as Vernon Purple. Maybe he should rename it Walrus-like Blob Purple. His feeble mind tried to reconcile that being nice to the kid would be his ticket to riches...but he wouldn't have been able to let go of his hatred, it would have never happened, always out of his reach. He lost it, screamed out to the heavens and charged at Harry.

Harry locked eyes with Uncle Vernon. Snape was terrible at teaching Occlumency...and teaching in general but Occlumency and Legillimency taught by Hermione and Luna and their very convincing methods made sure he got good at it. Legillimency worked better on weak-minded people and Vernon's mind is as weak as it got...aside perhaps Ron or Dudley. The Legillimency probe paralyzed him completely. He stood there as if the basilisk had petrified him. Harry locked his body and trapped him in his mind.

"Vernon? Vernon? What have you done, you little freak, I'll..." Oh right, aunt Petunia, the Ostrich-like bird! Oh well, just another Legillimency probe and she was frozen in the same way as her husband was.

Dudley, for the first time in his life, was scared of anything else but there being no food or not getting enough gifts. He saw his little freak cousin basically turning his parents into statues. He wanted to turn around and run, but being the size of a car, he wasn't going to get out fast enough. Dudley was also soon paralyzed by a mind probe. "You guys stay here a while and think about what you've been doing to me your whole life. I know thinking is a foreign and difficult concept for you, but at the moment there is nothing else you can do. I'll be back to check upon you later. But I'm not going to be in a hurry."

Leaving the Dursley wax museum behind, he 'borrowed' some pounds from their wallets and went off to take a muggle bus to Londen (not sure if Dumbledore could monitor the Knight Bus or other magical vehicles but he didn't take a chance). He made a mental note to visit Marge Dudley and that blasted dog Ripper at one point to get some payback later. After a bus ride to Londen, and quickly buying a hat in a nearby hat store to hide his scar, and then walked into the Leaky cauldron. Without his signature scar visible he was just ignored, which suited him fine. Harry smiled when he saw the two loves of his life at a table, drinking (the non-alcoholic variant) of butterbeer.

"Harry, our Harry?" Hermione asked. She was pretty sure of herself when making the calculations for the time travel ritual, and while she rarely got her spells wrong, she couldn't help but worry not all of them had gone back.

"Who else's Harry would I be? I belong to you two." Harry said. The two girls tackled him to the ground and engulfed him into a big hug and they had to do their best to not kiss in public, as they didn't want to draw too much attention as of yet.

"Luckily the wrackspurts you had in this timeline were eliminated when you entered your younger body." Luna noted.

"So, how did your trip back go? Able to reconnect with your families? Do they know about our little time-hopping?" Harry asked.

"I am so glad to see my parents again. I am so happy...but they don't know about my magic yet, and dropping that bomb alongside the time travel and being in a three-way would not be a good idea. We'd have to slowly ease them into it. For now, I gave my parents a strong sleeping draught, the same I gave Crabbe and Goyle in second year with the polyjuice incident so I could sneak out for this meeting. It should last long enough." Hermione said.

"I was able to save my mum, Harry." Luna said super excited and happy. "My mom found out about me, she noticed something in my eyes was different. My mom is a smart woman, can't get anything past her. But she doesn't care, I no longer care, I'm glad my family is alove and whole." She cried tears of joy. Harry and Hermione pulled her in for another hug.

Luna continued after getting her emotions back under control. "Dad was at least glad he could avoid the awkwardness of giving me the talk about the Joberknolls and the Glumbumbles. I also honestly told them I had to go to Diagon Alley for the second phase of operation 'Avoid the Shitty Future'. I had to put on clean undies." Luna stated. Harry gave her an amused look, while Hermione playfully rolled her eyes; Despite the void in her life being filled, Luna was still Luna after all.

"Speaking of phase two, let's go to Gringotts." Harry said, clapping his hands together for dramatic effect.

"I know we are also going after the Horcruxes next, but do you have a way to deal with the one in your scar?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, thanks to my new Occlumency skills I have isolated the bit of Voldemonkey in my mind and I'm putting him through mental torture until the soul piece willingly allows itself to expire." Harry explained.

"Oh...what kind of torture?" Hermione asked.

"In that corner of my mind I force him to keep listening to 'It's A Small World After All', Barney the Dinosaur's 'I Love You, You Love Me' and other such saccharine shite." Harry explained.

"I know he is the Dark Lord, but that is just cruel." Hermione noted.

"It is not sadism if they deserve it. Now, speaking of torturing little shits, we still have Gringotts to go to." Harry noted.

"You know, I miss having boobs." Luna pointed out. She paused for a moment. "I am going to miss having sex."

"It's a shame that we'll have to wait a few years to become active like that again, but we'll have to distract ourselves with snogging and torturing He-Whom-Goes-By-A-Shitty-Anagram." Harry noted.

"...especially the one stand where Hermione grabs her ankles and pulls up her legs to show..." Luna continued as if she hadn't heard Harry.

"LUNA!" Both Harry and Hermione shouted.

After finally to eventually get Luna to shut up about sex (for now) they arrived at Gringotts. Harry turned to one of the clerks. Harry hated the goblins. Not out of prejudice, but because of their conduct. During the war they didn't care whom was in charge, as long as they got enough gold out of it. Besides, despite the talk about exterminating Goblins among the Purebloods, they were too lazy to do thier own finances and wouldn't outright exterminate the Goblins. And Griphook especially "I would like to meet with the Potter Account manager.

The Goblin had a scowl on his face. Oh wait, they always had that look to them. Would it kill them to smile at anything else but gold and human misery? The Goblin sent a message, after which he got a reply. "Account Manager Griphook is ready to see you. Second door on the right."

As they entered Griphook's office, they had to repress the urge to kill the little shit on the spot for betraying them during the last war. And they wouldn't have done it slowly and painfully like Tom Riddle did. His scowl was just as grating as the Clerk's. "You must know that you are not of age and that if you want to continue, I need to inform your magical guardians."

Hermione didn't have one yet as her invitation for Hogwarts didn't come. But even if, her Magical Guardian, like Harry, would be Dumbledore, whom as Headmaster would act in loco parentis for Muggleborn and Muggle-raised. Luna's mother could act, but Luna said she could handle it on her own. The three of them certainly didn't want Dumbledore to meddle. Harry just raised his hands. "I, Harry James Potter, hereby claim my status as the Head of the Noble and Ancient House of Potter, so mote it be!"

Griphook laughed. "You think a human kid like you can so easily claim the Head of House status? No matter what, you are not old and mature enough and I doubt even magic..." he said, before a flash of light happened and the Potter Head of House Ring appeared on Harry's hand. Magic had deemed him worthy and it seems even waited long enough for the Goblin to make an arse of himself first. Magic must have a sense of humor.

"I also hereby claim my heritage as the last living Hair of Gryffindor and the line of Peverell, as well as the Heir of the Black family per the will of Sirius Orion Black. By law of conquest I hereby lay claim to the Slytherin line, vault and fortune, while also laying claim to the fortunes of all those whom had aligned themselves with Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka the Dark Lord Voldemort. So mote it be!"

Aside from the Potter Ring, the Gryffindor, Slytherin, Black and Peverell Rings appeared on his fingers. A box manifested in front of him on the desk, where the rings of the Death Eater families, which Harry had no intention of wearing, manifested themselves in.

"Aghflack?" Griphook said, the ability to speak coherently having temporarily left him. On the other hand, it could be Gobbledegook, he wouldn't know.

"Oh, me next!" Luna said, bouncing up and down in her seat with her hand raised. "I, Luna Lachesis Lovegood, hereby claim the Ladyship of the Noble House of Lovegood, and the Noble and Ancient House of Ravenclaw! So mote it be." She had learned from the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw herself that she and the Bloody Baron had a baby, whom she put up for adoption with a minor wizarding family due to it being born out of wedlock and the start of the falling out with her mother Rowena Ravenclaw. While the House of Lovegood had no Ring as it was a minor House, the Ravenclaw Ring appeared on her finger.

As Griphook now started at the waifish blonde, Luna smiled innocently. Griphook took a glass and a bottle of Goblin liquor, and poured himself a glass and emptied it. He then turned to Hermione. "And you miss...?" he said, almost in a defeatist manner.

"I, Hermione Jean Granger, hereby claim Head of House status for the Dagworth-Granger line, so mote it be." Hermione said. Professor Slughorn had stated before Hermione may be related to the Dagworth Granger line, with their most famous member, Hector Dagworth Granger, a famous Potions master. Hermione had initially denied due to her thinking of her Muggleborn heritage.

However, the family line had split into the Dagworth line, which died out during the last Voldemort war, and the Granger line, which produced only a squib heir, whom married a muggle. Hermione's grandparents. While it was not as impressive as Luna or Harry's bloodlines, due to the Dagworth-Granger line's influence in a lot of Potions-related activities of the last century, Hermione should become a wealthy heir in her own right. But at least it wasn't as shocking to Griphook, whom thought that he was out of surprises for a lifetime.

"As heirs of Gryffindor, Slytherin and Ravenclaw, we invoke the Ancient Four Houses of Hogwarts Heritage clause. If one of the four Founders' bloodlines would die out, they would be able to act in proxy or choose a proxy for that house. When the four lines seemingly died out, that went to the Headmaster. But now, I, Harry James Potter..."

"And me, Luna Lachesis Lovegood..." Luna added.

"Hereby appoint Hermione Jean Granger as proxy to the extinct House of Huffelpuff!" Both finished together. The Huffelpuff ring appeared on Hermione's finger.

Griphook was back into a state of baffled stupor. He wanted to pour himself another glass of the Goblin booze, but he looked at the bottle, back at the glass, and back to the bottle. He tossed the glass aside and took a swig from the bottle itself. He put it down and slurred: "I shall bring in the full list of your current holdings and investment?"

"Please do so!" Harry noted. Griphook left for a few moment, before he came back with a huge folder full of documents. The author won't bore you with a full list and will just say the three of them looked through it thoroughly. "Now we got that out of the way, first thing I want you to do is to check all the vaults, especially the Death Eater vaults, for Dark Objects and have them destroyed or cleansed."

"Sure, anything else?" Griphook asked with not so much enthusiasm.

"We want to transfer all of our funds to another bank. The Gibtsilber Bank would do. The Dwarves give a much better interest, and they don't insult the future Heirs of various Noble Houses." Luna added with an impish grin.

"No! Several of these vaults are our greatest income, it would ruin Gringotts!" Griphook begged.

"It is our choice, you cannot interfere. And while it will be difficult, Gringotts can survive. But it won't when the Boy-Who-Lived makes a public announcement, so that everyone might transfer their money to Gibtsilber." Hermione added. "Harry may not like his fame, but he'll use it if he has to."

Griphook slumped in his chair. "Is there anything I can say to make you reconsider?"

"We may transfer our funds, but we are not going to close the vaults. We are going to leave small amounts behind in the vaults. We want absolute secrecy, about our funds, about us claiming our emancipation and Head our House titels, from Dumbledore, the Ministry or anyone else not approved by us." Harry stated. "Furthermore, we want to hire a team of your best cursebreakers. We need to track down some very dark objects that need to be destroyed or when possible, cleansed. Once again absolute secrecy on this mission. If you can manage all of that, we may consider coming back to Gringotts with our gold for the near future."

"I will take care of the necessary steps, Sir." the goblin said in a defeated manner. After staying behind to make sure all the paperwork is in order, the trio would leave Gringotts. Griphook would be in very big trouble with Director Ragnok, whom would assign him to cleaning the dragon pens for the rest of his career. He would die one day after a dragon crapped on him.

After leaving Gringotts after dealing with the administration and went to Fortescue for some delicious ice cream. After getting their sundaes and putting up some Notice-Me-Not Charms so their conversations wouldn't be noticed or overheard, they made a summary of what they have accomplished. "All Death Eaters are broke, and living of a stipend now. The Goblins will imply it may be their old master, whom is not too thrilled with them." Harry said, putting a spoon full of vanilla and strawberry ice cream in his mouth.

"They'll have just enough to live on, though no longer in the luxury they are used to, and a small funds is left so their kids can still attend Hogwarts. They won't be able to buy their way out of prison or bribe people anymore. If they keep their heads down and learn some hard and honest work, they may be able to become productive members of society, but let's face it, they won't do that." Hermione added, after taking a spoonful of Rocky Road.

"Due to their pride and arrogance, not to mention being torn between their fear for the Dark Lord and Azkaban...it means that they will make arses of themselves, doing like nothing is wrong and trying to continue to live out the luxurious life or convince others they still have it...only to rack up debts or fueds...eventually ending in arrest or worse." Luna continued.

"For the moment, they are crippled. They won't be able to pass off much of the anti-Muggleborn or anti-creature legalizations they have planned. A war is won by money and we have all of it." Harry said. "Between that and having most Horcruxes being taken care off, we have reduced the biggest threats for the moment."

"I wonder if the act of beign bankrupted may cause them to do something drastic, like attacking Muggles or Muggleborns at random?" Hermione thought.

"No worries, their House Elves now belong to us. They no longer work for their former masters and are more then happy to spy on them, and stop them should they do something stupid." Harry finished.

"I hope they'll be ok, don't want them to get hurt." Hermione said.

"Give Harry some credit Hermione, I'm sure he has told them to be careful, and to defend themselves when needed or not to take unnecessary gifts, right?" Luna asked. "It also doesn't help that House Elves are more powerful then most people think. Dobby was able to kick Lucius' arse."

"Luna is right. I even told them to pretend to not punish themselves, and if they feel they warrant punishment, they first should come talk to me. Also they may cause some 'accidents' for their former masters, making them think they have a stream of bad luck. I think the Elves are more then happy to make their lives a living hell, bit of payback for the years of abuse." Harry said.

"That's a relief. Do you think that with that out of the way, we'll be able to more easily gain support for House Elf rights?" Hermione stated.

"We will. Though don't get carried away like last time, do the proper research. And don't call your organization SPEW." Harry noted.

"Are you two ever going to let that go? I know it wasn't my proudest moment for picking that name..." Hermione said, pouting.

"But it's so fun watching you squirm." Luna said with an impish grin.

"I hate you both." Hermione noted.

"That's not what you said the night before we came back, I think that was our best bout of making whoopie yet." Luna said. Luna then looked sad. "I hope the next few years go by because I really want to lose my virginity again to you two and have some hot steamy-"

"LUNA!" Both Harry and Hermione shouted.

"Anyhow, the only thing left to do is get our NEWTs. The International ones." Hermione noted. Magical Britain was so backwards and Dumbledore has mocked up the educational system so much the NEWTs of Britain are not valid in the rest of Europe. Purebloods found the syllabus too hard, and didn't feel like putting the effort if their name and riches would give them any job they wanted so it was toned down. And with the likes of what Dumbledore hired, like Snape, Quirrell, Binns ect. It was no wonder.

"I am confused, why are we going for our NEWTS and then go to Hogwarts? I know we want Ravenclaw's Diadem but..." Luna asked.

"Because we are going to make a few people's lives a living hell, like Snape's, Dumbledore's, the Death eater's children, mostly Malfoy..." Harry said with a sadistic grin, but it turned more pleasant as he continued: "But also to make better friendships in this new timeline."

"Not Ron. He is not malicious, but he is an idiot and a liability." Hermione said.

"And he is the one whom invented the nickname 'Loony Lovegood'. And he passed that on to the rest of the school as soon as I set foot in it." Luna noted. "Can I make his life a living hell?"

"Only a little. He is not as bad as the rest of our targets." Harry noted.

"Only a little, so do I take the battery acid or the wood chipper?" Luna wondered.

"Luna!" Both Harry and Hermione shouted again.

"Just kidding..." Luna said with an impish grin, but continued on in her mind. "However..."

"One more thing is getting Sirius free, much earlier if preferrable. We know Pettigrew will be at Hogwarts. But we won't wait that long. We need to think of a way to break in at the Weasleys and get him without antagonizing them...between the three of us we'll manage but we can't have the slightest chance of Peter Pettigrew escaping." Harry noted.

"No worries Harry, we won't let you be the only one without a loving parental figure. We'll get him out." Luna promised him.

"I know we will. And this time our time together won't be cut short." Harry said, making a fist and digging his nails into his palms.

To prevent Harry from going all brooding again, Hermione quickly changed the subject. "I think that covers about everything we do before we go to Hogwarts...are we missing something?" Hermione noted.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something but what?" Harry noted.

All the way back on Privet Drive, the petrified Dursleys were still standing there. No one has as of yet missed them (they were not well liked) or checked up on them (not even Dumbledore, whose devices are still fooled by the Rune Stone). It would take a while before anyone would find them. This was especially unpleasant as bugs an insects could crawl or land upon them, they wouldn't be able to do anything should a burglar get in and steal their stuff. Not to mention they really need to go to the bathroom...Oh wait, never mind.

"I'm sure it wasn't that important." Harry decided.

Chapter two is up. I kept more of the original oneshot in this part of the chapter then the last part. But it was meant to be an expansion of that oneshot so yeah.

Gringotts is portrayed in a less positive light then in the original short.

The name of the new bank is Gebtsilber, which means 'gives silver' in German. As Gringotts is German for 'grab gold' it seemed appropiate.

Less focus on the humor here and more about getting the plot moving. Hoping to rectify on the humor front next chapter. It turned out to be longer then expected, so the prologue will be three chapters instead of two. Oh well.

Next time the trio saves Sirius, and we get to see some people suffer. Mostly Death Eater.


	3. Chapter 3

"What do you mean, we don't have enough money?" Narcissa Malfoy shouted at her posh peacock of a husband once he broke the news.

"Someone took it, they took it all, aside from a small amount." Lucius as he handed the note. "Apparently someone has been able to lay claim to all our fortunes and properties and I can only think of two people whom can do that. Your cousin Sirius, and we all know he's in Azkaban. And...You-Know-Who." Lucius said fearfully.

Narcissa's mouth thinned into a line. "You just had to join up with a murderous megalomaniac. You just could have kept your nose clean and just continue to support pureblood propaganda in the Wizengamot, but no, you had to go out and torture and kill lesser bloods and attract attention. Only the fact the minister was a greedy idiot got you off, because no one else was fooled!" Narcissa growled at her husband. "Now, we can still of the little stipend we have, as long as we make some savings."

"Savings? You mean that we won't be able to afford anything a Pureblood of our caliber deserve? If we aren't able to afford it, our name will be dragged through the mud, we'll be classed in the same bracket at the Weasleys!" Lucius said.

"What is more important? Surviving or looking good?" Narcissa asked Lucius, whom had a pondering look on his face. "And if you feel the need to think that over, you have a messed up sense of priority. Merlin damn it Lucius." She could have gone for a bethrothal contract with Frank Longbottom's cousin Fitzgerald 'Foot' Longbottom but no, she begged her parents for a bethrothal with Luscious 'Prissypants' Malfoy. What a mistake that has been.

"We will be dead anyhow, because Fudge expect us to make contributions to 'good causes'. You know, orphanages, St. Mungo's, his vault, that sort of stuff." Lucius said. "If we aren't able to, even someone as stupid as Fudge will become suspicious. The guy isn't an idiot, at least when it comes to gold. Now, I have a few secret stashes, not much, but enough to make contributions for a while until we are able to think of something else...say, Draco's trust vault wasn't hit as hard..." Lucius noted.

"You are not touching Draco's vault! He needs his schooling. If not for making friends and alliances in the future among the student body, then at least so he can study and have a good job so that he one day may restore our family fortune." Narcissa growled.

"But mom, that sounds like work. Purebloods like us shouldn't have to work." Draco Malfoy said. He had snuck in while his parents were discussing.

Narcissa rubbed her temples. She loved her son, but he was becoming more of a carbon copy of his father every day. But at least Lucius had cunning and a bit of intelligence. Draco ran his mouth off, was subtle as a brick and never thought things through. "My little dragon...your father made a mistake and we are going to pay for it. So in case your father won't be able to fix it, it will be up to you to set things straigth."

Draco pondered for a moment. "I'm sure that Dad will find a solution." he said with a smug grin. Narcissa was feeling peeved because while Draco had the ambition of a Slytherin, he didn't have the brains to make use of it, unwillig to make the effort to achieve those ambitions, or had the cunning to pull it off if he ever needed it. "What's for dinner?" he asked like the conversation was done.

"I don't know, your father's actions also cost us our House Elf, and we'll have to take care of our own food." Narcissa growled at the blond arsewipe she called her husband.

"The little shit was too happy to leave. You know he mooned me? I don't know why he hated me so much. I gave him anything. A room under the table sink to sleep, he got moldy bread to eat, he got to work his arse off while I beat him to get going...Oh right." Lucius said as realization sunk in. Then suddenly something happened when he sat down in his comfy chair. There must have been something with the springs in the chair as he was catapulted in the air, and became stuck with his head in the ceiling, the former richboy squirming.

"I'll save you, dad!" Draco said as he tried to stand on his dad's chair to grab his legs and pull him out. But whatever made the chair extra springy was still in effect. And Draco was right under his dad as it happens so...well, they already said the boy's head was so far up his daddy's arse that you wouldn't know where daddy began and junior ended. Now that was literal.

Narcissa sighed. She would have gone to St. Mungo's...But they were tight on cash, Lucius' pride and need to look important wouldn't have it...and she was still mad at him. Oh well, hopefully a bowel loosening hex would work.

At a distance, disillusioned and undetectable, the House Elf Dobby smiled. He loved the new job New Master Harry Potter gave him. Keep an eye on old bad masters and thwart them from doing anything evil, and torment them when needed. Dobby felt happy for the first time in his life. And Master Harry's miss Hermy insisting Dobby being paid for it was a cherry on top. It would take weeks for old Master Lucius to sit comfortably again. And a long time before former young Master Draco felt clean again, and get over his fear for dark smelly tunnels.

Back with the timetravelling menage-au-trois, they apparated just outside of the wards of the Burrow. "We are really going to break in with the Weasleys. I know we had then stellar experiences with Ron, Ginny and Percy...but I still feel guilty for breaking in." Hermione said. Aside the ones mentioned she had liked the other Weasleys.

"We are not breaking in...we are just going to pick something up of which they don't know is dangerous. Pettigrew may have masked as a pet, but after offing a dozen muggles, you think he wouldn't have murdered the entire Weasley family too just to save his own arse. We are saving them." Harry said. He then turned to Luna. "Which means no pranks on Ron. I know he gave you that insensitive nickname, but he is not a dark wizard. He's just a bloody idiot. We deal with evil people, not stupid ones."

"You ruin all my fun." Luna pouted. She then had an idea. She couldn't prank Ron, but if she set up a prank intended for someone else but if Ron happens to step into it due to being stupid or klutzy...Now to change the subject before her bedwarmers found out about her plan. "Are there any wards you detect."

Harry's speciality was dealing with defensive spells and understanding and countering dark magic. So he developed a penchant for wards. How to make them and how to break them. "A simple but effective one. Anyone trying to harm one of the inhabitants of the house can't get in, or at least not without setting alarm. And Peter is still considered a family pet at the moment."

"So what is your solution?" Hermione asked.

"The ward is just a magic construct, but it has enough of an awareness to understand its purpose. I am going to 'convince' it, we are only here to remove Wormtail, whom is a harmful element, and then leave." Harry said as he lifted a wand. It was a Traceless wand that he got from one of the Death Eater vaults he had claimed and started working.

Luna realized with this ward she couldn't prank Ron. However, if she could 'convince' Molly to bake something like a pie and have Ron deliver it to their neighbours the Lovegoods, and he were to walk in one of her 'Nargle traps'...yeah, that'd do. Call her Loony, will he?

With Harry's skill they got in easily. They silently snuck into the Burrow. A few Somnus charms to be safe, so the Weasleys wouldn't wake too quickly. The Weasleys were deep sleepers but better safe then sorry. They found Peter's cage easily. A Somnus on the rat, making the cage indestructible, and they could do. They conjured a replica of the cage, but empty, making it seem Scabbers got out of the cage, wandered off and must have run been taking by predators outside or something.

As they took their price away, Luna stopped by the door to Ginny's room with a sad look on her face. Ever since Ginny had been possessed by that cursed diary, she had been different. She distanced herself from Luna, her obsession with Harry grew...the three of them were shocked to find out Ginny had slipped Harry love potions during their sixth year. After all, his sudden interest in her was suspicious. Luckily they managed to purge the potions from Harry's system. When confronted about it she seemed so detached from reality, like she didn't understand what she did was wrong.

She was mentally damaged, from her time under Riddle's control. Worse, she never recieved treatment. While Mind Healers weren't cheap, when it came to family the Weasleys would have done anything for their daughter. The problem was that Dumbledore talked them out of it. Whether he was crazy or wanted to hide his mistakes, it was his fault. Luna spoke to her friends. "We can save her...from becoming damaged. She won't become..." she said.

Hermione would have felt a bit cross for Ginny, but the logical part of her mind dictated this past version of Ginny hadn't done anything yet and bad things could be prevented. Harry never felt resentment for Ginny. She wasn't in the right mind and he knew how bad having Voldemort in your head fucked you up. Anything to save her from the experience this time, so she would grow up undamaged. "We can do something. Not put compulsions on her, merely planting...subtle warnings. Not to trust things that write back...maybe ones where she would think of trying to get to know the real me instead of hero-worshipping me due to these children's books..."

"We must not forget to sue the writer and producers of those books and other merch they made in your name without permission." Hermione noted. "And while we're at it, we may take steps against the Prophet and Rita Skeeter before they can slander you in the future."

"They will be dealt with eventually, but they are small fries and there will be plenty of time later. You know, I wonder if we could put a few of those mental warnings on Ron from doing anything stupid." Harry said.

"Wouldn't work. One, Ron doesn't listen to anyone, not even a voice in his head. Second, he is so weak to mental manipulation that anything we do would stick out like a sore thumb. I mean, remember when the fake Moody put him under an Imperius?" Hermione reminded Harry.

"Oh yeah, kept skipping even after class, for most of the day." Harry remembered.

"So we'll have to teach him the hard way. Or as I call it the fun way!" Luna said with a sadistic grin.

"Luna!" both Harry and Hermione said.

They didn't stick around for much longer. They put the mental warnings inside of Ginny's head so that she wouldn't fall for the same traps in the future. They then left with Pettigrew. But it made them wonder what Dumbledore was thinking in blocking the Weasley daughter's treatment of. What goes on in that head of his.

Speaking of the headmaster, he was in his office, doing something very important. Oh wait, no he isn't. He is looking at one of those plastic bird toys that dip up and down with thier beaks into the water. Dumbledore was easily amused by it. "Go, birdy go!" he said excitedly, before popping another lemon drop in his mouth. Then Minerva McGonagall came in. 'That blasted woman always cut in to my me-time.' he thought. "How can I help you Minerva?"

"I had it up to here with Severus." she spat. "His students cursed a couple of my cubs and he has the balls to assign my Gryffindors, the victims, detention for apparently starting a fight. But they didn't start it..."

"Severus has my confidence and trust in the matter, he must be knowing what he is doing." Dumbledore said. Yes, he trusted Snape. He was a good spy, and he was the one whom warned him about the bad tasting meds. What would he do without Severus. Sexy, bad boy Severus...

"But those Slytherins whom cursed..." Minerva moaned.

"I bet they are sorry. You must learn to forgive people Minerva." Dumbledore said.

Minerva sighed, and gave up. When it comes to Snape, there was no reasoning with Dumbledore. If she wasn't so sure that Dumbledore was taking his meds, she would have thought he was off his rocker. "If you say so, Headmaster." She then stared at the plastic bird toy on his desk.

"My new Dark Detector." Dumbledore said. It was a lie, but he didn't want Minerva interfering with his hobbies again. She already had taken away his icecream-pooping sheep. Minerva just shrugged, accepted his answer and left. Man, he deserved another lemon drop for handing that masterfully. Damn, he was good.

Though Harry, Hermione and Luna planned to eventually get Peter Pettigrew to the Department for Magical Law Enforcement, they found the worm-tailed rat deserved a bit of punishment. When Peter woke from his Somnus-induced nap, he was frightened to see he was in a dark room, no longer at the Weasleys. He was still in a cage and couldn't get out, and he didn't dare changing back, whom knows what the people whom had taken him had done with the cage. "Peter Edmund Pettigrew, you have committed serious crimes..." a figure in a black cloak said. He wore an electric blue mask with yellow lightning patterns. His voice also sounded distorted, and unrecognizable.

"You have betrayed your friends and had allowed another to take the fall for you, you have sold your soul to a psychotic psychopath to save your own arse..." another figure in a cloak said. She wore a Japanese fox mask of sorts.

"...And in the name of the moon we shall punish you!" The third person had a sailor moon costume and a bunny mask to hide her identity. The other two looked at her baffled (as far as you could tell since they wore masks) and they facepalmed. "What?" the disguised Luna asked.

"Moonsault, I thought we were going for the classic robes and mask thing!" Harry said, calling Luna by a codename.

"But this makes me feel pretty. You two never complained when I wore it in the past. In fact you were eager to get into my knickers...though I didn't wear them at the time. I only started wearing them again because of our trip back...Remember when you and Vixen..." Luna said.

"Never mind that, we got a rat to torture. Now the moment's gone, we are going to be frank. We are going to have a bit of fun with you until we gift wrap you up for Amelia Bones. Vixen, would you show what is in store for him?" Harry asked the disguised Hermione.

"Certainly, Lightning." Hermione waved another of the wands they got from a claimed vault and a huge tub full of plain white yoghurt appeared. "First we'll stuff you with yoghurt."

"But I hate yoghurt!" Peter thought. His thoughts were picked up by the three's Legillimency.

"Oh don't worry, you won't have to eat it. It's going down the other end." Harry/Lightning said as he conjured a hose and a tip to inject the yoghurt. "The yoghurt is just the beginning though..."

Luna/Moonsault then conjured two more barrels. One contained a red liquid. "This one is hot sauce." she then pointed at a second barrel which was a sickly purple color and it looked like something you didn't want to touch with a thirty foot pole. "And this is a potion that we invented. It was supposed to be a painkiller, but it turned out the exact opposite. It is now liquid Cruciatus."

Peter tried very hard to not evacuate his bowels, otherwise they'd just have more room to stick those substances. Why didn't he become a cauldron thickness inspector like his mother said instead of a Death Eater?

A few hours later, Amelia Bones was surprised to find a House Elf dropped off a cage with a rat (which seemed like he was in terrible pain) in her office. It also had a couple of notes. One was addressed to her, and explained the rat in her cage was an illegal animagus, that he was dangerous and shouldn't let him escape at any costs. So Amelia of course brought in her best aurors, Moody and Shacklebolt to assist her. When they vanished the cage, used a spell to return him to human form, followed with a spell to cuff him and a spell to prevent him from changing back into a rat...they were shocked to find out it was Peter Pettigrew, whom was supposed to be dead. Even more baffling is, that he was begging to be taken in.

"I betrayed James and Lily, they switched Secret Keepers at the last minute, Sirius was just a decoy. He didn't betray them, I did. I have been spying for the Dark Lord. I blew up the street full of muggles to cover my escape. I cut off my finger to fake my death. I have been in hiding for ages. Please, take me to prison. Just please don't give me back to those three!" the whimpering buffoon said before rolling onto his side, curling into a ball and sucking his thumb.

Alastor Moody sighed. "They just had to do that the week before my retirement, do they? At least it's you whom is going to be stuck with the paperwork."

"Dose him with Veritaserum for all details he knows, keep this off the book for as long as possible, until it becomes impossible for Fudge to sweep this under the rug. And have someone transfer Sirius to a hospital, to see if any damage from his stay in Azkaban can be reversed. NOW!" Amelia Bones said. "And someone get me a sandwich and a bottle of Firewhiskey."

Sirius Black wondered if he had finally lost his mind. The thoughts of his innocence, his obsessive thoughts of one day getting out and make Peter Pettigrew pay, as well as the ability to turn into a dog, allowed him to keep himself mostly sane. That didn't mean the Dementors didn't affect him at all and it was possible that they had worn him down over time. He must now hallucinating. He was let out of Azkaban and was brought to the hospital instead. What was going on? He didn't have to wait long for an answer as Amelia Bones came in. "Amy?" he muttered softly.

"Hello Sirius." Amelia said. She tried to hide her feelings. Sirius was a good friend and colleague and she was ashamed to think he'd ever betray Lily and James. "Someone found Pettigrew and delivered him for us. He has confessed. I never knew you didn't even get a trial and..." Amelia found it difficult to put her feelings into words.

"Where is Harry?" Sirius asked. That was the most important thing at the moment. He knew that he was going to be free now, but he needed to know where his godson was.

"Dumbledore said he hid them with some relatives of Lily." Amelia Bones confessed.

"Relatives of Lily? Oh no, not her sister. That bint hates magic. She's making his life a living hell. Why isn't he with the others, the Longbottoms, cousin Andy, anyone?" Sirius asked, hysterically.

"The Longbottoms were tortured into insanity. Their son Neville is raised by his grandmother and she is barely able to handle that. Andromeda is denied the right due to her association with you. We don't know whom else since Malfoy had put forward the motion to have the Potter will sealed to prevent anything of the Potters to go to you or any muggle relative Lily may have. So lawfully, Harry HAD to go the closest blood relative."

"But I'll be cleared, I can take care of him, can I?" Sirius asked, hopefully.

"You first need to recover, physically and mentally. And then you can go and get Harry. You don't want as you are now be the first sight of his godfather?" Amelia said. It felt like old times, when Sirius was still on the Auror Force. A good Auror he was but she had to keep him in line, from doing anything rash.

Sirius knew Amelia was right. He hated to admit it, but it was necessary. It was Harry's wellfare they were talking about. "And Gwennie?" he asked. Sirius had been a player when at Hogwarts, but prior to his arrest he was thinking about going serious with a beautiful young witch called Gwenog Jones.

"She fulfilled her dream to play for the Holyhead Harpies. Currently their captain and Beater. She is not married as far as I can tell. But she has not been informed yet." Amelia explained.

"Maybe there is still hope then." Sirius said happily. Maybe she would be willing to take him back if she knew he wasn't a mass murderer. And he could hope that she would be willing to have Harry into her life as well. If not, at least she was happy with her career and he could hope to at least remain friends. He was shedding tears again for the first time in years.

"Sirius...I am sorry. I thought you had...I shouldn't have believed it. I wanted to look into what happened. But I was blocked at any turn and...maybe I have been allowing myself to be walked over too much in that regard..." Amelia said.

"I don't blame you Amelia. I know you at least tried. I thought I was being clever with the bait and switch. But it was a stupid plan. It is my fault..." Sirius said. "It is my stupidity that condemned James, Lily and Harry. But I know better now and I'll make damn sure that I'll do better, for Harry's sake."

An elf had been there too, disillusioned, to overhear this. The elf would inform Master Harry Potter. Master Harry Potter would be excited to know Harry Potter's godfather would be with him again. And if Sirius would be successful in patching things up with Gwennie, Harry may get a mother figure out of it as well.

Harry would have so much to tell to Sirius. First making sure Sirius is well enough in the head. But he knew he could ease Sirius in telling about his time travel adventure. After all, if anyone would be able to to appreciate what he was done, it was Sirius. He would think of it as a masterful prank in a way, and he would be even prouder when he'd learn he has two girlfriends. And Harry would make sure Sirius would not merely survive, but actually live. And he was sure Sirius would help him, Hermione and Luna for thinking of all new ways of tormenting several bastards whom ruined his life. It would certainly be something nice to bond over.


	4. Chapter 4

TWO YEARS LATER

It has been two years since Harry and his lovers had returned to the past. And things were great for the most part for Harry. And today was a wonderful day. "Sirius, I got the popcorn!" he said as he sat down in couch in front of a large mirror. "You got the butter?"

"Right here!" Sirius said as he sat down next to his godson on the couch. The large mirror was magical of course, and it worked like a DVD and VHR player in one. Whenever one of the mirrors connected to it sees something, it is transmitted and recorded in the mirror network. Several of them were spread around households of people they like to see humiliated or carried by House Elves to record memorable occasions.

"Oh, they got another one on Umbridge. Those are always golden." Harry said. Harry remembered how much he hated that woman. Of all the past recordings, hers were the most satisfying to watch. "Let's play the first clip we ever had of her back to back with the new one! To see how much of a wreck she had become."

"That's great, pup! Let it rip!" Sirius said. Harry was glad Sirius was free, and in his life. Harry had told Sirius all about the future he went back in time for to prevent. Like he predicted, Sirius was proud of him for such lengths he went to to save the world, the fact that Harry played the biggest prank on the world ever and Harry had two girlfriends. Though being an adult in a child's body didn't prevent Sirius from trying to give harry a second childhood.

They watched the very first clip they had of Umbridge. She just had the Daily Prophet delivered, she then shooed of the owl without a tip. As she unrolled her newspaper, a rabid wolverine suddenly popped out of the newspaper and started to maul her. Harry and Sirius just laughed as they saw it. After Umbridge finally got the beast of and vanished it, she went for a pantry to get some food (wizards and witches didn't do fridges, just pantries with preservation and cooling charms), only for another wolverine to pop out and repeat the process.

The clip of present day showed an even uglier (if that was possible) Umbridge. her hair wasn't combed, her cardigan was ripped and disheveled and she looked like she hadn't had a good night's sleep in ages. "Where are you hiding, you filthy wolverines...are you in my pillow?" she blasted it apart, spreading feathers anywhere. "Are you in my slippers?" she then destroyed her slippers. "You are not going to get me this time, you hear me? Not this time!" she said as she stomped the ground, activating a trap door which was not her design obviously, and then fell in, into a pit of wolverines.

The best thing was that all of these random wolverine attacks prevented Umbridge from focusing on her bigot plans, so she was effectively neutered as a political threat. Sirius and Harry were now rolling over the floor laughing. "That was great, any one about certain Death Eaters?"

"Nah, most have already fallen into our traps, aside the Malfoys and a few others whom are actually smart enough to keep their heads down." Harry noted. The Malfoys and a few others have been saving what little they had left but didn't dare to risk anything else for the moment, mostly because they wouldn't be able to buy their way out if they hadn't got caught.

"Oh well, then let's re-watch some of the previous ones." Sirius suggested. Several other Death Eaters and sympathizers had tried to steal and raid to regain their fortune, but thanks to their House-Elf network they wouldn't get a chance.

A compilation akin to Funniest Home videos played up. There was McNair whom was mysteriously sent to a Hippogriff herd through (unknown to him) House elf magic. He remembered that he had to bow to a hippogriff to show respect. To his relief the hippogriffs bowed back. "Luckily these big dumb ugly chickens are sticklers for politeness or I would be in trouble". McNair had forgotten that insulting the hippogriffs is the stupidest thing you can do to them, as he was then mauled by the herd.

Then there was Nott, one whom was as snobbish as Malfoy, and almost as rich prior to the loss of fortune. He had approached a rich muggle home to steal the riches there as suddenly, an invisible ward the House Elf had triggered activated, and he was electrified. He made some weird spastic moves while being shocked. An ignorant muggle whom had been coming by thought those dance moves looked neat and turned it into a dance craze in the Muggle world for a few years to come. A crispy fried Nott was later picked up by the DMLE. They remembered Fudge's reaction that day.

"I am sure that everything with Nott is a misunderstanding, he is an upstanding citizen and pureblood whom gives to good causes..." Fudge said.

"He is broke, sir." one of the Aurors explained to him.

"Off to Azkaban with him! No way I'll let a Death Eater run free!" Fudge said, changing his mind faster than a chameleon changing colors. He was a political animal, despite being an idiot. When he noted previous Death Eaters no longer had bribes for him, he was easy to discard them. The reason he threw his former benefactors so easily into jail is the reason Harry, Hermione and Luna hadn't done anything to him...yet. But his time would come.

The two liked these bonding moments over the misery of the dickweeds and the wankers of the wizarding world. Sirius was now his guardian as it should have been (though he had claimed his titles, Harry didn't want the world to know, and he wanted to give Sirius a chance to be a father figure after all), Dumbledore had made it difficult for them at one point.

FLASHBACK

"He must stay with the Dursleys! The blood protection is of vital importance!" Dumbledore said during the Wizengamot meeting.

"But the Dursleys treated him badly. The medical reports of St. Mungo's confirmed that. Mrs. Figg has told us how she warned you but you didn't take her warnings seriously." Amelia Bones claimed.

"I'm sure it is all a big misunderstanding, why wouldn't they love their own nephew?" Dumbledore noted.

"Lily spent days ranting on how much her sister infuriated her. She even went over the will with you so that Harry wouldn't have to go to them. What were you doing then, old man?" Sirius asked angrily.

Dumbledore had a pensive look on his face as he thought back to the past.

FLASHBACK IN A FLASHBACK (whoa, Flashbackception)

Lily Potter spoke to Dumbledore. "And I know she's just jealous of me because I am at Hogwarts and a witch while she isn't, and she tries to hit me or play cruel pranks on me every time I return."

Dumbledore pretended to listen, but in reality he was daydreaming. It was himself, dressed as a German girl frolicking through a field of woolen socks in colors so garish they make your eyes hurt. "Remind me to go to that sock sale at Hogsmeade this weekend..." he thought.

A bit forward in time. "Now, my sister cannot get custody of Harry. To make sure there are no misunderstandings I'll put in a letter that declares we switches Secret Keepers at the last second, and a document which is a binding godfather contract which will prove that Sirius couldn't have betrayed us without losing life and magic..." Lily explained.

Dumbledore sat there, still pretending to listen, but he was daydreaming again. Of Severus Snape this time. Sexy, bad boy Severus Snape. He liked his boys bad, just ask Grindelwalt. Oh yeah..."

END OF FLASHBACK IN A FLASHBACK

"Nonsense, I'd have known if they told me like that." Dumbledore said. "I am Dumbledore so I know best."

"Though the will proves that Harry should have gone to Sirius, the evidence is overwhelming, so even you can't overrule this, whom approves of Sirius Black gaining custody?" Amelia Bones asked. Most of the Wizengamot approved. After all, they wanted to rectify a mistake with the Boy-Who-Lived, and even the former Death Eaters didn't dare oppose it since they were broke.

Dumbledore sat there unmoving, but that was not because he was shocked, but because he was daydreaming again. This time it was both of Grindelwalt and Severus Snape giving him lap dances. When he snapped out of it. "He needs to remain with the Dursleys..."

"The hearing is already over!" Amelia Bones said frustrated.

END FLASHBACK

"Let's see what the Dursleys are up to." Harry said. They were not doing well since Harry was out of their custody. They had no money, no wards and without Harry there was no reason to cover their collective arse and crimes. Vernon was demoted at his company, Dudley got actual punishment from the teachers and Petunia was exposed to the bad side of gossip when it became known they had lied about their nephew. Marge Dursley had lost his kennel due to claims of animal abuse so she and Ripper now lived with her brother.

And without Harry they turned their anger towards each other. "Why I have so few gifts?" Dudley whined.

"Because we are broke, you little shit!" Vernon growled.

"Don't you dare talk about my Duddikins that way!" Petunia shot back.

"You both shut up, you are scaring Ripper." Marge said.

"I don't give a shite about your dog!" Vernon growled back. Marge tackled her brother to the ground, Ripper helping his mistress by biting Vernon's ankle, in the process knocking Dudley's plate of bacon of the table; Dudley didn't like anyone getting in the way of his food and body slammed on top of his dad and uncle, while Petunia grabbed a pan and whacked them to try and break them up.

"Oh, are those the Dursleys?" a new, female voice sounded. It was that of someone whom had just returned from work. She was a beautiful young woman with tanned skin and black hair.

"They certainly are Gwennie. Shall I rewind?" Sirius asked.

"Later, we are going to need to put everything in order for our boy's party!" Gwenog Jones said as she ruffled Harry's hair. In the old timeline, Sirius' status as a fugitive prevented them from rekindling their relationship, and Sirius didn't bring her up due to painful memories. So Harry didn't know about Sirius' past relation with Gwen until later. But he was glad his godfather also had a significant other now. That and she made a good mother figure.

"How was work, Aunti Gwen?" Harry asked.

"It was fine. Matilda is nervous, but she managed to lead the team well. I think I'll be ready to fully retire." Gwen replied. She was Beater and Captain of the Holyhead Harpies, but she decided to train a replacement and get a different job in the Department of Magical Games and Sports. They were certain they would put Ludo Bagman out of a job. "And that way, I'll have more time for my favorite man and little boy in the world."

"You know I'm technically a man in a boy's body." Harry said. With Gwen now married to Sirius she had to be kept in the loop. She had taken it quite calmly, and with a 'whatever' attitude.

"You are still biologically eleven, so I'll treat you that way. I will not let a technicality like time travel prevent a chance of playing mother hen." she said, ruffling Harry's hair again, and sporting an impish grin. Yeah, she and Sirius were made for each other all right. "Now Siri, please help me set things up, the guests arrive in two hours!"

The last few birthdays have been some of the best he ever had. He had a family and some friends to surround him with now. After Sirius and Gwen were done, Luna and Hermione were the first few to arrive with their parents as well. The Lovegoods had taken their time-travelling daughter extremely well. The Grangers didn't know that much, but they were now aware of their daughter's magical abilities much earlier. The fact she somehow had made two friends whom were magical as well which made sure Hermione wouldn't be friendless and alone anymore, just warmed their hearts. They also didn't know about the three way relationship.

Instead of the Floo, Portkeys or Apparition, they came in through a new invention; Portals. The other ways of magical travels, aside from brooms was very disorienting at times so they invented the new Portals. You pocket the magical ring, throw it out to enlarge it, and step through to your new destination. It was keyed to them so no one else could use it. That and they covered all their bases within the confines of the law.

It didn't take long for Luna and Hermione to tackle Harry in a hug. They had to avoid kissing when Hermione's parents were around. "Happy birthday Harry!" both girls said to their boy.

"I'm so glad to see you girls." Harry said. He was always glad to see them.

The Floo then sprang to life and in a few bursts of green flames, more people went through. First were Neville Longbottom and his grandmother, then it was Molly Weasley with her two youngest children, Ginny and Ron. It was time to greet their friends.

"Happy birthday Harry...I hope the gift is good enough. I didn't know what could measure up to the new wand you gave me..." Neville said.

"Coming from a friend, it will be just fine. How is the new wand doing?" Harry asked. He had vowed to keep a better relationship with Neville, whom had been a brave and valuable ally before.

"It went great, the spells I did with it worked out great. Still keeping dad's old wand as a spare, you may never know. How did you know the wand would work so well?" Neville asked.

"I just ordered a wand I thought would be attuned to your interests and personality, didn't know it would work out that well." Harry said.

He then turned to Ginny. Luna had managed to hold on to her friendship with Ginny and prevent her from going down a dark path. She still was flustered around Harry, but she tried to act more normal at least. "Hey Ginny, congrats on you being enrolled a year earlier."

"Thank you. I am glad I won't be left without friends." Ginny said. She couldn't bear being left alone in the Burrow with her siblings and Luna at Hogwarts. "The test wasn't easy but it was worth it. I don't know how Luna made it look so easy." Ginny wondered.

"It only looked easy, but the actual test wasn't that easy." Luna said. To her, with her future know-how, it was that easy but they couldn't tell Ginny that.

"That's all fine, but enough with boring school stuff, when is the cake coming?" Ron asked.

"You ate all the chocolate frogs, the ones that were supposed to be a gift to Harry by the way, how do you still have room for cake?" Ginny asked.

"I'm a growing boy. Hey Harry, let's ditch the girls and Neville and talk like best mates?" This Ron was deluded to think he had a relationship with Harry like in the old timeline. Unfortunately this Harry wasn't so starved for affection and friendship he was putting up with Ron's flaws anymore

"They are all guests and all my friends, I will not 'ditch' them, and I only put up with you because your mother insisted." Harry noted.

"Ha! Good one, mate!" Ron said. Harry wondered if Ron always has been this stupid or if the time travel had made dumb people even dumber.

"If you are really his mate, you don't mind me doing this!" Ginny said as she picked the Famous Witch and Wizard cards from Ron's pocket (from the Chocolate Frogs he ate, the ones he was supposed to give Harry). "Here Harry, my dumb brother deprived you of a sweet, but at least take the cards."

"Hey, they are mine!" Ron whined.

"The frogs were for Harry, so the Cards are also Harry's..." Ginny growled.

"But I finally had Agrippa..." Ron muttered. "Besides, Harry doesn't mind sharing, right?"

"How is it sharing something if you hogged everything from the chocolate and the cards yourself?" Harry asked. Ron had no answer as his ears went red. Ginny pulled his brother aside by one of the red ears to avoid him making a scene. Harry was glad for this new non-mentally damaged Ginny.

"So...let's party everyone!" Harry said, ignoring Ron as he was given a bollocking by his sister and mother. Despite Ron's whining and obnoxiousness, Harry still was able to enjoy the party. He got nice gifts, he was among friends and family and managed to sneak off to snog both his girlfriends a few times.

In about a month, Harry knew he and his girlfriends and friends would go to Hogwarts, and they have a lot planned to tear a new one to quite a few people like Snape or Dumbledore.

Speaking of the old man, he was at Hogwarts reviewing a few stuff for the upcoming year. "Two girls whom proved young enough to be enrolled early. Not too bad, they are only a few months too young anyways. And of course Harry. Oh dear, that boy has been spending two years with Sirius. Though the man means well, he would be encouraging some James-like behavior. The boy would not fulfill his destiny with an inflated head. The Dursleys would have kept him humble. He doesn't care what the reports said, he knew that if they tried Harry could live a happy life with the Dursleys. Who are they to say that because he was never there he shouldn't judge. He knew better and that's final. He was not immature, it was just because he is the smartest and everyone should know it.

He had vanished his meds again and replaced it with more delicious lemon drops as he made plans for the Philosopher's Stone as Minerva came in. "Professor Dumbledore, I have a few questions about...DEAR MERLIN, ALBUS!"

"Yes Minerva, something wrong?" Dumbledore said.

"You do realize you are not wearing pants...and that you have a trumpet up your...Posterior?" Minerva asked.

"I am. I wanted to try out a ritual I read about. Unfortunately my glasses need replacements because I may have misread the requirements somewhat. I also lost the book and didn't have time to double check what the right requirements were..." Albus droned.

"Never mind, please fix whatever the thing with the ritual is and I'll come back later." Minerva said. If she wasn't sure Poppy mentioning he is taking meds she would have thought the old man was of his rocker.

"Good thing she fell for it. No one has to know my secret hobby of creating musical farts!" Dumbledore said. He then stood up, put on some silencing charms and started to record his newest hit.

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
